suspended

so mukhtar finally figured out who i am. yay for clicking ;) so just when he realises my identity, i seem to lose mine?

yeah, funny how that happened - well, not funny. considering i hurt someone in the process whose trying to help...in the process of falling and hitting the ground and finding something i never should have found...in remembering a smile that existed in a moment. a smile that confirmed, acknowledged, reformed my existence into a colourful life. limbo...suspended in this grey screened repose, i cannot leave it behind. i cannot go forward even though i know what i know. i hear what people want me to hear - too afraid to reveal the truth, they dance around me like a constant screensaver that bounces off the walls...walls that shield me from you. and i did not mean to be this way, to push you away, to recoil into my own world of make-believe, of cartoon characters which fill my mind with the absence of you...and the immenent truth i will have to accept. driving away, looking back through the window, the resentment you and i cannot explain.have i done the right thing? i have. my head knows that. but my heart...what's in a heart anyway? nothing. for the good of the people.for the good of a promise...for 30 seconds of hope...what would i not give for 30 seconds of you. 30 seconds of a smile. the day i lost control. april. i hate april. and august. replaying the words like some possessed recorder. and im in this place where bitterness lines the corridors when it rains...and i turn around - and there you are, with a naughty grin and a familiar light in your gorgeous eyes...telling me that this was all a bad dream.