my 2 cents

Well, since everyone’s going on about Eid – I thought I’d throw in my 2 cents- and yes, I expect some change…(especially from you jo- cant tell you how much I miss you…and dew- thank you but I forgot to check for fruit on Monday!) silly me.
anyway…
Let’s see… Eid is generally very low key on my side of the world. I don’t look forward to it. Well, I used to. But that was eight chapters ago…more like ‘in the beginning.’ Anyway, my mom, who happens to be the only sane one in the immediate family and I, do the usual on Eid day- make yummy stuff which we cant finish…go to my aunts dreary place…have lunch…sleep and entertain the visitors who so politely follow the usual routine…and then my five little cousins pop by for supper and turn the place into a savage’s haven, and this year was particularly brutal, with the penultimate edition to the pack having mainly profanities in her vocabulary. She’s just turned 3. And doddling around in her little pink pj’s, bottle in hand…she walked up to my aunt and said ‘Eid Mubarak…f**** b****…and smiled, before wondering off in my other aunt’s direction to call her a f***er. I on the other hand, was in her good books until I tried to take a picture of this angel, who can’t even pronounce her name yet, and ended up getting attacked. So my Eid started when twilight drew its lilac haze over the city when everyone sat down at the dinner table…and the other members of Ms not-so angelic’s troupe got their doses of Coke for the evening. And she got hers in her bottle.

While the 6year old and 8year old had a conversation at dinner about mxit and regarding the fact that they don’t think they’re related, I helped their eldest sister take thousands of pictures of herself- none of which she liked mainly coz she insists she doesn’t look nice when she smiles…she’s like my little sister now…I couldn’t stand her when she was six…I remember endless hours on the phone with her helping her with homework that was due the next day…and every time she wouldn’t leave me alone…and that day I made her cry coz I screamed at her when she pulled my Barbie’s hair band off and I thought she had ruined my destiny…and now she’s the person that understands the way I feel- about eid..and about my family…and we don’t spend hours on the phone anymore…we don’t even see each other except for Eid- but when we meet its like the distance was never there.

That’s what made my Eid this year. Amid all the sadness that I cant get into right now because I doubt you’ll understand (and it would take a few pages to unpack) and amid my frustrations about the way I expected my life to be…amid some insensitive people who would prefer to laugh at things they don’t understand…and why I find myself at times surrounded by selfish egotistical people who are only friends when they need something, I found some comfort in someone I repelled for most of my life. Eid is a touchy subject for me- with the passing away of my grandparents…with the void that constantly seems to betray me in the presence of people who think my life is perfect…with promises that have been broken…I hope someday I wont have to say ‘yeah it was great,’ and lie or send corny Eid messages to people I don’t even usually think about coz I feel like its an obligation. It’s so easy to be angry..It really is…but it’s so much better to laugh with someone who has no heirs about them…who doesn’t expect anything…and who genuinely cares. One of my closest friends who fits all those qualities (yes you Nazeer-lol you seem to get a lot of free advertising here) once told me…love is like a butterfly…if you run after it, it flies away…but if you sit still, it will come and land on your shoulder when you least expect it. And on Eid night…when I least expected it…my 8year old cousin caught me off-guard and hugged me…and asked for my home number…and tonight she’s calling me for homework…someone up there certainly has a sense of humour.

cheese

the apple never falls far from the tree-
if you want something done right, dont do it at all..
a pound of cheese is good- especially if its good cheese.
my point is clear

coz its pretty...

beauty lies in the mystery of uncovering something that holds intrinsic depth and reaches a part of you that makes you believe in hope again.
in a world where beauty is seen as nothing more than outer appeal, its frustrating that people just choose to like something or someone 'coz its pretty.' yours truly is guilty of this too on certain occasions - i guess its growing up that teaches you that beauty lies somewhere between finding something amazing that makes you more of who you are. no, nazeer- not vetkoeks ;) although in ramadaan, that might constitute beauty to some who cannot tell the difference between vetkoeks and sweetmeats...as for Ash who would probably see those pink scarves as veils of beauty or biryani in all its oily glory...or maybe its found in Joe's emails and our hour long phone calls...or in my mommy's hugs...
what is beauty? i would say you can only find it in humility...in the absence of an ego which can really make someone beautiful look really ugly...its in sensitivity...to know the difference between the soft comfort of silence and tactless steel admissions of 'i told you so.' Beauty is natural...and all the make-up in the world will never do justice...its in a shy smile that lights up a room- that reveals someone's genuine feelings in a moment. a moment is all it takes to uncover something beautiful. and in true bollywood style, these moments are always filled with music and sha-rukh khan making eye contact with some girl whose hair is perfectly ironed and flying aroung lightly thanks to like 3 fans...is it? i dont believe that fireworks and violins constitute these moments of beauty...sometimes the absence of these things is even greater- when you can be silent and peaceful within yourself and know that serenity has been found.at last.

for dollop

May you never look in the mirror and find that your smile doesn’t reach your eyes...always know that brighter days lie ahead…may the ocean wash away the sadness that your footsteps leave behind and carry you to better days of sunshine…and one day, when you’re flying high above the clouds and all you can see are silver linings, I hope you celebrate that in life you have come so far and made so many people happy.

orbituary of blackie swart/blackie/fishy

alas, he has passed on...
after days and months of circling his abode in pursuit of happiness and the meaning of life, black fishy was flushed to rest-- his death has come as a shock to the family of related piscean species and will no doubt, leave an indelible mark on the future, the children and the planet as a whole.
it was with great heartbreak that he was found floating belly-up in his watery home, and his life flashed before my eyes -- the day i got him, when he and his brothers and sisters were on special for 4 for R10 at the fleamarket, when i brought him home and he refused to eat due to his satyagraha notions regarding being separated from his family -- and he passivley resisited until the day we made eyecontact (well mostly his right eye made contact) and bonded over the philosophy of life and whether the fish food he consumed was really made of...fish. we had the best conversations late at night and even though the glimmer of his eyes could only be seen, his prescence was all i needed.
and then.the dreaded day came.
i scooped him out with the ladel of death and transported him towards the final resting place...and with the emotion taylor from the bold and the beautiful displays when she cries, i finally flushed him into his blue heaven.
well, i guess im making another trip to the flea market this weekend :)

and you're wondering -- what happened??!

well, cant say i've outgrown my laddoo look -- my dupatta scarf still transports me to those days of roundness where the world was 'out there' and i was in here with my mommy, and her scarf (which is still around somewhere).

i was quite thrilled to find my barbie doll box the other day and to know that hollywood hair barbie still had both her shoes on and a full head of blonde hair that had taken on a weird curly nature and an orange tinge at the bottom...but she was still smiling :) and that little strawberry shaped bubble fun thingy i used to carry around with me-- because it was pink, and it matched every item of clothing i had...

and now its been replaced by mxit and memories of dawson's creek that got me through high school thinking my life was being played out on screen.

here and now, reality has opened up doors in front of me and all i want to do is crawl back into my little cocoon and resent the wings i always wished i had. yes, its a cruel world and in order to survive, you have to be cruel too -- not that i have a problem being mean, i just dont like this unprotected feeling of not having bubble fun or barbie dolls to escape to in my little purple and pink takkies with the flashing lights. (they had personality ok!)

so i was told that disillusionment is part of accepting the reality of life...but i wish this disillusionment came with some kind of cushioning or warning instead of this huge brick that falls from the sky and bashes you on the head. well nobody ever said that life was fair.

nobody ever said that pacey's hair was cool or that portrayal was a reflection of reality. but we just assume these things -- and expect them to turn out our way.

oh well, i guess katie holmes has a different take on that. what gives people the right to judge? to say things without taking the time to wonder if they are totally believing just what they see?

i found my piece of heaven today...

sunrise

the date is all out, but i just love this picture -- its the view i get to see every morning...well, those mornings when i can actually open my eyes and take a peek out the balcony and resist the urge to jump over.

here i go thinking its thursday again...

The stars have come out to play tonight
Glimpsing through prisms of rose-shaded dreams
Willing wishes to bloom
In a universe we call our own,
You and I have sketched eternity.
The remains of broken hearts that have
Chased the wind,
The old sequins that have lost their shimmer
Eternity has come and gone.
Roses wilt, new buds hold promise
Floating on the tide of time,
We tread on petals of ice.
The resilient material hunger,
Paralysing the soul with a stormy embrace.
Friendships falter in
The war of acceptance.
Swept up by dark waves to unforgiving shores.
Curtains fall, the lights fade,
The world buys your act
Playtime’s over.
Stars watch on, the clocks count the seconds lost.
And another rose wilts to soon in
The garden of faith.

yesterday's murder

Gashing at my flesh
As fresh as yesterday’s murder,
Notes surge through frozen indigo veins
Bringing blue lips to life once again.

Why did you bring me here again?
‘to recompose the decomposed,’ my dear.
Barely brushing the autumn leaves,
I linger in memories swirling yellows and pinks…
Dancing along the trail of bloody warmth.

Echoing through an eerie midnight,
Shadows laugh…and silence my screams…
Darkened spirits await me in their
Leafy slumber
Gnawing at my wedding dress

U take my brittle hand and walk me down
The aisle of death you laid out for me
A thousand times before
Tonight’s murder is just the same --
A kiss in the August breeze

Until tomorrow, the axe strikes twice,
“u have to get rid of those stains,” my dear
I sink into the shallow grave
You dig up ever so often and
Smile beneath your precious feet.

perfectly flawed

It will never be enough for them to see me flawed as I am
I will never be them.
These betraying mirrors, mocking my deepest desires,
Reflecting ordinarily me.

Consumed in their plastic worlds, day after day
Affection can be afforded and sold
They are fair judges of souls wrapped in colour
Blindly wasting their Divine powers with
Shallow hearts and spirits of cold stone

Yet I wish I were worthy of their praise,
My wretched existence would not go worthless
And disappear into nothing but scorn.
The depth in my eyes is as precious as shattered glass
In this material world.

Then you voice tells me I would have to send my love,
My depth of being, to another heaven
Because with it, I am flawed.
You might abide in the perfect painted shell
But I shall not sacrifice my flaws for your life of transient joy.

My gift of flaws shall save me from your near fate,
I pity your poor imprisoned mind,
For reality is unreal to you, save for the rising of the sun,
Which will soon summon you to Him
Then only will you see that time will not return for you.

I would wait eternities in this withered, vain world
To watch you struggle to grow a heart when the painted blush
On your rosy cheeks fades
And dullness invades your lips and eyes
Oh murderer of your own soul,
You cannot wake the dead.