11:08 PM

qd uncut

yay!! holidays :) i cant wait to get through this day and not see this place or hear from parasitic people that just wanna use me for notes for 10 whole glorious days! im void of inspiration, i dont see the light...and i try to make it brighter, but darkness keeps pulling me back. i dont know what it is. im just sick of this year already. Of being alone and falling in love with the library coz its the only thing stable and true...why is it that everybody's getting married and it just highlights your amoebotic state of one-celled adpatation to a cruel world? i thrive on this fear of commitment, yet it would be nice to have a safe place in someone else's heart. ugh. this is getting mushy. but i've always had to worry about things...ever since i was little. and growing up with a single parent has enforced an independence on me which does have its positive sides but sometimes i'd like to get this loaded backpack off and let someone else carry it. so im bearing my soul. great. but i dont want sympathy. i dont know what i want. and i've always been this straight A student on campus. til yesterday - when for the first time, i failed something. iv never ever failed. metaphor for current state of affairs? maybe. my work has always been something i could control and get something back from. Everything seems to be changing...roles have changed, im constantly watching what i say...i hate going out in public...im finding im not as secure with people i dont know- but the worst part is, reading too much into things and getting hurt. i said i wouldnt do that. but i guess im just wishing for something good to happen so badly. you know that feeling - where u break a nail and the whole world falls apart? thats how it is. im existing....something's very very wrong. and i dont know what it is. and i dont know how to change it. im not a crybaby. never was. it all seems to be emphasised now for some arb reason. i dont want sympathy. people in my life walk in and walk out, they make sympathetic noises but dont care enough to actually change something. and when i do finally get to confide in a friend, i get told to sort it out.like its as easy as making the toilet paper face the right way. im so angry. i just need someone to listen. and im tired of being bypassed and seen as the 'friend' who symbolises the door to class work or getting another girls number. when's it all gonna end? im not suicidal. and i dont like imposing my situations on people coz at the end of the day, nobody really wants to know how you are. i want to be certain of something in life. i need a reason. im tired of waking up and checking for messages and realising im gonna have to wear my mask again or having awkward mxit conversations about how lovely the weather is. maybe ppl think im independent so i must be ok. i dont know. all i know is that this load is getting too heavy and something's going to snap.


Nazeer said...

i'm sorry.

Ruby :) said...

Sorry to hear taht u going through a bad time, but, keep the faith, and may these gloomy days pass... if u feel like venting, go right ahead... but, There will be calm after the storm!!! have a lovely wknd..

taqdeer said...

Asalamu alaykum qdee

Like many simply don't care, so many truly do care qdee.

Islam places great emphasis on inner peace. In the Qur’an, it is called Sakinah (inner calm and tranquility), Tuma’ninah (comfort of the heart, satisfaction and contentment) Sharh As-Sadr (understanding, openness of the chest, restfulness). Believers receive these gifts from Allah Almighty. In the most difficult situations, Allah mentions that He bestowed inner peace on the believers.

It 'DOES' help to speak to Allah ta'ala. After reading 2 raka'as, make dua and speak to Him, saying it loud enough so that you can hear yourself.

We are so used to hearing these things that it seem cliche, but qdee, please do it.

Glorious Quran, Al-Anfal 8: 9-10 reads:
"Remember ye implored the assistance of your Lord, and He answered you: “I will assist you with a thousand of the angels, ranks on ranks. Allah made it but a message of hope, and an assurance to your hearts, (in any case) there is no help except from Allah: and Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise."

I will make a special dua for you tonight as well, insha'Allah


Dew said...

Drink water!

I am phoning you tonight.

Anonymous said...

I'll email you my longgg comment. But in short think of how talented you are and ders really alot that I admire about you. Many people do really care (esp me). So hang in der gal.. Lotsa luv.. Sumi

M Junaid said...

Pyar Pyari Lamhe :)

huzain said...

hey miss dee am so sorry things are upside down. dont know really waT TO say but if yeah to talk am here for you and you know that

!Joe! said...

My Q.............:(:(:(

Sorry i haven't been so communicative lately, what with our messed up land line, and 8c worth of airtime, and parents always bugging me to make tea etc. I also didn't want to disturb you cos you have work to do...just tell the homework moochers to get lost, or start writing illegibly. no one ever asked me for notes again after trying to decipher my handwriting. dont ever forget about all the people, like me, who wish they could be more like you and can only see bright things in your future. as for failing, its just a way to make things better. and i know you and your standard of work, so i dont think there's something wrong with you. this break will be good for you, so just relax and sleep till late, and keep smiling at yourself in the mirror till you feel completely idiotic. and we'll be meeting up soon yay!!!!!so i hope that lifts your mood and makes you smile your white-toothed smile...:)love you loads my qdee.

Waseem said...

I can totally empathise with your feelings. Its like living for the sake of living with no real point. Just work and sleep thats how my life is at the moment.

You just need to find something to matter, easier said than done i know. im looking for that same elusive something

Priya said...

honey, as Maya Angelou said: "Let nothing dim the light that shines from within."

And if truth be told I know many people that are just not feeling like themselves lately, so you are not alone.

qdee said...

all those comments made me smile :)
holiday helps! and a good talk with the Almighty.
loads of love

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